revamp of an old favorite….

on January 26, 2010 in things that have fallen out of barbie's mind.... with 2 comments by

believe it or not, i’ve been wanting to revamp this since i wrote it. the original was just way too violent. that being said, please enjoy a crowd favorite….

thanks for playing….

Bitter Much?

Don’t say, “Hi” to me.
Why bother?
See, you’ll say, “Hi” and I’ll say, “Hi”
and then we’ll start talking.

Small stuff at first, music, the weather, however eventually we’ll move onto bigger and better topics. We’ll talk into the nite and watch the sun rise outside Denny’s discussing just exactly why we didn’t stay with that last person we talked all nite with and how different everything will be this time.

Pretty soon those late nites at Denny’s will turn into after work dates. And the next thing you know we’ll be at the crucial point in all relationships….when you meet my dog and i meet your friends.

I know, right now it all sounds like a fairy tale, and I see you nodding your head and saying, “Yeah, that’s precisely what I want in life….late nites drinking coffee with your dog.”

But just wait.
This unadulterated bliss won’t last long.
Because I’ve been there before.

See, this is the part where you sit me down to have that all important conversation with me about how I’m the “right girl at the wrong time”….but it’ll all be okay, because you want us to be friends…..

However, that’s all bullshit because soon you’ll be going out with some vapid little slut who only cares about how trendy she looks and how popular she is and who’s main concern is how to get me out of the picture but you won’t notice any of this because all you care about is how to be the kind of guy she really wants, which could easily be obtained with a lobotomy and a cool new GQ wardrobe and you won’t notice all of her painstaking plotting of the demise of our friendship because you’ll have your head so far up her ass that you’ll have the optimal view of her spleen and I guess all of this is okay with me since by that time I’ll be so heavily medicated with reuptake inhibitors and Wild Turkey that I will no longer care where you go or who you screw with your new lying, cheating, self-centered, stuck-up, conceited, brain-dead, whore.

So please, don’t bother to say, “Hello”….
just say, “Good-bye” now and let’s skip all of the bullshit in between.

Share

2 comments

  1. Brett
    posted on Jan 26, 2010 at 10:27 PM  |  

    Delightful. I don’t recall the original word for word, but this seems to have the vim and vigor of its predecessor.

    • posted on Jan 27, 2010 at 5:23 PM  |  

      i love it when i illustrate vim and vigor. it sounds like a cocktail. : )

You must belogged in to post a comment.

My book "Roasting Questions" is now available to purchase!