here i am….

on December 13, 2009 in things that have fallen out of barbie's mind.... with 5 comments by

there he was. he was dead, or so i’d been told, but there he was. he was alive, on my television, talking about christmas lites. i wasn’t expecting it. i hoped that it wasn’t real. but there he was….alive and talking about christmas lites. he was here, where i lived, 20 years and 650 miles from when i knew him. and there i was, curled up with my son to watch a local holiday special and fully unprepared….because there he was.

there i was. one year out of college and out of the oblivion that is nowhere, a call from an old college friend. he had some news and had tracked me down. while in chicago he had heard of a murder. gang-style, with the victim pleading for his life. a horrible, violent death. but my friend thought that i should know. it was so confusing to feel both hatred and pity for the man who died. but there i was, feeling it all, and wishing that i didn’t feel anything.

there i was, freshman year in college and i needed a book for my acting class. i needed to take it with me to study it over christmas break. there i was, at two in the afternoon in his dorm room while he looked for the book. there i was, oblivious as to why he turned on the stereo and cranked up the volume of “les miserables”. there i was, too slow when he locked the dead bolt. there i was, thrown backward across the room and onto the bed. there i was, half-naked and begging for him to stop. there i was screaming until he finally let me up. there i was, standing in the skin-scalding temperature of the shower, and there would never be enough soap. there i was, hiding my clothes in the dumpster and praying that no one would find them.

there i was, over the years, thinking back at what i should have done differently. should i have just not borrowed the book? should i have realized why the music was so loud? should i have been quicker at the door? should i have fought harder on the bed? no. the answer is always no.

here i am, 20 years later with only one regret….i should have gone to the police.



  1. Ron Anderson
    posted on Dec 13, 2009 at 7:30 PM  |  

    20 Years later and the commentary and/or criticism for this revelation? How about, “what a strong young woman came out of that horrible nightmare”?

    You never lost your strength of thought or the beauty and power of your words, victory is yours.

    • posted on Dec 13, 2009 at 7:38 PM  |  

      thanks. i do like that synopsis of my character. i’m glad that the poem is written well enough to illustrate what a nitemare rape really is. thank you for the feedback ron. it is greatly appreciated and always welcome. : )

  2. Herb
    posted on Dec 21, 2009 at 8:50 PM  |  

    Sad, sad and ashamed for my sex. I have known, loved and married women that confided such experiences to me. All I was ever able to do was hold them and cry while they cried. Not enough but all I could do. Men want to “fix” things, but some things can’t be fixed.

    • posted on Dec 21, 2009 at 11:09 PM  |  

      i firmly believe two things. 1. time heals all wounds. and b. time wounds all heals.
      thank you herb for your sweetness to those lovely ladies….and to me.

  3. Captain zero
    posted on Jan 30, 2010 at 1:27 PM  |  

    I eat regret
    so that
    it does not eat me.
    I taste bitterness
    as I realize
    I have binged on emptiness
    “Nevermore shall I return
    escape these caves of ice”? (Samuel Taylor Coleridge)
    I will not devour myself
    “I will reach out
    from the inside” Peter Gabriel
    (I am living hope)

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