Have you ever read a book so expertly woven together you were physically unable to put it down? Where you told yourself you’d go to bed after “this paragraph”, which turned into “this page” and finally, “this chapter.” Have you ever been so fortunate? I have – and the one I’ve just consumed, The Story of Beautiful Girl, by Rachel Simon, might be the tastiest novel I’ve ever read.
The Story of Beautiful Girl, by Rachel Simon.
By the time Hurricane Frances flooded parts of Asheville, NC in September of 2004, I had
Biltmore Village in September of 2004 after Hurricane Frances. Those are railroad tracks.
already made a bit of a name for myself in the local poetry and open mic scene here. I had gigs lined up and musicians who were interested in collaborating with me on innovative projects. When the Swannanoa river flooded I had no idea that it would wash all of that away.
I worked in the area known as Biltmore Village. For over 24 hours the buildings in that part of town held upwards of five feet of water inside them. Cars, trucks and massive dumpsters were lifted and moved by the force of the turbulent river. When my co-workers and I set foot in our building the following day, most things in the store had moved into the back room, carried by the water as it seeped out the rear exit.
If you’ve read my piece, “Meeting Steve Martin….”, then you know why my on-line persona has a fictitious crush on this accomplished musician, song writer, author, actor and art collector. If you haven’t, then you are one of the people who probably thinks that the real me has a real crush on a man whom I had never met until last night. I, however, am not that kind of girl. Mr. Martin is a married man and, while my jokes are a bit flirtatious, they are always completely respectful.
Steve Martin backstage at Ovens Auditorium. Photo by Charlie Brady.
I decided to use Mr. Martin as the straight-man to my self-deprecating humor because I disliked all of the “humorous attempts” I saw on-line poking fun at anyone with a celebrity status. I’m sad to say that I have seen some exceedingly admirable people verbally attacked because some twitter follower didn’t think a movie was good or felt a tweet was not amusing enough. I’m not that kind of girl either. Using social media as a weapon against someone who has not done anything to deserve it is cowardly and childish. That is not to say that I don’t use people as a punchline myself from time to time. The westboro baptist church (name intentionally left in lower case due to my complete lack of respect for them), Sarah Palin & Donald Trump have all found themselves in the cross-hairs of my humor from time to time. This is a result of their actions and their words, not a misguided sense of my entitlement to use them as fodder just because they are in the public eye.
rapture tip #1. do not drink any kool-aid if you did not prepare it yourself.
rapture tip #2. disregard any “rapture” churches which ask you to agree to yearly contributions or have pamphlets detailing summer events.
rapture tip #3. when spaceships begin to appear in the sky, do not flee to LA. tom cruise & will smith are actors & cannot help you.
rapture tip #4. if you feel inclined to give away your worldly possessions….please contact me, i can definitely help you with that.
rapture tip #5. do not approach zombies even if you know them. that is not your aunt edna & she doesn’t want a hug….she wants your brains.
rapture tip #6. protocol is to run screaming into the streets & get hit by cars. this is post-rapture population control for the rest of us.
rapture tip #7. post apocalyptic concert will be held @SazeracAVL : ) bouncers will be stopping zombies at the door. please bring your pulse.
rapture tip #8. concert is free, but you must know all lyrics to rem’s “end of the world”. just shouting leonard bernstein is not acceptable
rapture tip #9 Rosanne Cash will be headlining our concert. : ) all reports that elvis will be performing are false….at this time.
rapture tip #10. mark wahlberg may make an appearance with the “funky bunch” if we can ascertain that hell has indeed frozen by concert time.
rapture tip #11. once again….DO NOT DRINK ANY KOOL-AID YOU HAVE NOT PREPARED YOURSELF….& also avoid the brown acid. dude….seriously.
rapture tip #12. do not listen to any “preachers” who insist god is talking directly to them. god only talks to me….& Steve Martin.
rapture tip #13. to fully prepare yourself for life without power, gas or computers, please obtain a copy of “the amish guide to living”.
rapture tip #14. please note “the amish guide to living” is not available for the kindle or sony reader. it is only compatible with the nook.
rapture tip #15. it is not acceptable to enslave an amish person post-rapture, any more than it is acceptable to own a canadian.
rapture tip #16. u.s. currency & electronic devices will not be useful post-rapture. keep this in mind when writing out your “to-loot” list.
rapture tip #17. not everyone is aware u.s. currency will be worthless. keep this in mind when directing others to the “best looting places”.
rapture tip #18. please form orderly lines when setting riot bonfires. matches will be a rarity in a few months. let’s try to conserve them.
rapture tip #19. if you find yourself in a building during the apocalypse, exits will be located….pretty much everywhere.
rapture tip #20. now is the time to buy stock in kool-aid, just make sure you cash out & purchase livestock on may 20th or you’re screwed.
rapture tip 21. bunkers should not be made of biodegradable materials. people, this is not the time to go green.
rapture tip 22. make sure to have marshmallows on hand. when the world explodes it’s going to be one hell of a fire.
rapture tip 23. repeat after me, “screw you grandma, you’re not getting into my bunker without your own provisions.”
rapture tip 24. forget the golden rule. the rapture means never having to say you’re sorry.
rapture tip 25. for heaven’s sake bring extra can openers into your bunker.
rapture tip 26. child molesters will be “left behind”….please feel free to kill them for food.
rapture tip 27. do not approach Paul McCartney or Elvis….we have still not determined if either are alive or will be returning as zombies.
rapture tip 28. when looting don’t forget Burgess Meredith in Twilight Zone….steal extra pairs of glasses.
rapture tip 29. gather up as many pets as possible to keep in your bunker….2 feet good, 4 feet bad.
rapture tip 30. remember, that which does not kill you must make you stronger than your neighbor, unless you have firearms.
rapture tip 31. essential bunker reference materials; the lord of the flies, anarchist’s cookbook & the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy.
rapture tip 32. if you forget everything else, remember….soylent green is people.
rapture tip 33. the old adage is true….you don’t have to run fast, just faster than the guy who was ahead of you.
rapture tip 34. it is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when approached by a gang of zombies. it isn’t helpful, but it is acceptable.
rapture tip 35. avoid all members of the westboro baptist church like the plague….actually, they will literally have the plague post-rapture.
rapture tip 36. sacrificing virgins is a pagan ritual, this particular god won’t be swayed by a screaming, bikini-clad co-ed.
rapture tip 37. watching the “thriller” video is not zombie research just as watching “e.t.” will not prepare you for dealing with our alien overloads.
rapture tip 38. eternity is a hell of a long time….bring playing cards & condoms.
rapture tip 39. do not kill other people when looting & rioting this will only increase the zombie population.
rapture tip 40. lastly, please remember, DON’T DRINK THE KOOL-AID! jim jones was a mass-murdering psychopath, not a leader.
rapture tip 41, do not get into a handbasket unless you are confident you are ready to go to hell.
rapture tip 42. if you are “taken” on saturday, it is considered uncouth to shout “i told you so” to those left behind.
rapture tip 43. the “left behind” movie series is not factually accurate. do not take orders from kirk cameron.
rapture tip 44. if you find yourself face to face with a group of zombies, do not yell “eat me”….they don’t understand sarcasm.
rapture tip 45. all our handbaskets are eco-friendly & will explode at the shores of the river styx. please exit quickly.
rapture tip 46. truism. that which does not kill you won’t really matter after saturday.
rapture tip 47. please keep hands & feet in the handbasket until we reach hell….oh, never mind.
rapture tip 48. please refrain from smoking while in the handbasket….unless you are on fire.
rapture tip 49. there is no food allowed in the handbaskets, so please do not share your basket with a zombie.
rapture tip 50. raid will not kill the swarms of locusts, although recent testing indicates that axe body spray will disintegrate them.
rapture tip 51. your best chance of survival is the buddy system. please, if you become a zombie, do not eat your buddy.
rapture tip 52. if you do not own firearms make sure to locate a god-fearing neighbor who does.
rapture tip 53. do not feed the stallions which are carrying the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. you don’t want to piss off death.
rapture tip 54. on oct 21st the world will explode. do not bend over & kiss your ass good-bye….it just looks stupid.
rapture tip 55. everybody, say it with me….DO NOT DRINK THE KOOL-AID! : )
rapture tip 56. make sure you can recognize god if you see him, he’s an intelligent, older man with white hair….and a banjo.
rapture tip 57. with the dead inhabiting the earth, remember your ghostbusters lesson….”if someone asks you if you’re a god, you say ‘yes’.”
rapture tip 58. the number of the beast is 666. 668 is the next-door neighbor of the beast….he’s a quiet guy & keeps mostly to himself.
rapture tip #59. satan does not wear red pajamas. he wears armani, has oddly-coiffed hair and talks about fire a lot….for example, “you’re fired.”
rapture tip #60. the rapture will be televised, but only on the fox news network.
rapture tip #61. if you have questions about zombies, find an expert. look for anyone in a marvel or dc comics t-shirt carrying a 1970s star wars collection.
rapture tip #62. if you’re unsure if you will be “left behind” keep paying your mortgage….i guarantee the people in charge aren’t going anywhere.
rapture tip #63. there are no plans to “occupy hell”….the 99% down there is comprised of an entirely different class of people.
rapture tip #64. predictions that the end of the world is nigh are being corroborated by the fact that gas prices have started to go down.
rapture tip #65. after the apcalypse your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device or as a substitute for carbohydrates.
rapture tip #66. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again….god does not want you to drink the kool-aid….and neither do i.
have a safe & happy rapture. : )
poet tweets....photo by john ullmann.
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